February 14: Today I got word that my ex-Father-in-Law had passed away after a lengthy battle with cancer and dementia. This had been expected for some time and, as Marisa said: “Typical Jeffery. Stubborn to the end.”
Jeff emigrated from South Africa to Canada in the late 60’s. While the family seemed to have lived a comfortable life on a farm near Durban, selling it all and moving here meant starting over. He worked in construction, determined to provide a good life for his wife Margaret and three children: Melinda, Veronica and Rolland.
He was a hunter and a fisherman. After Melinda and I got married, I mentioned a passing interest in fly-fishing, more as a way of passing time in what seemed to be a tranquil and reflective place than actually catching anything. Within a few weeks, he had given me a couple of rods, some tackle, and some lessons on how to cast. He was obviously reaching out for some connection with his new son-in-law who saw no fun in shooting or catching and killing any of God’s creatures. (I’ve been known to catch spiders and take them outside rather than kill them…)
While he could be kind, helpful, supportive and thoughtful, he could be very stubborn. He never really shied away from telling you what was on his mind. His outspokenness about religion and race had alienated many of his friends and he was living what must have been a very lonely existence near Orillia. That was his choice; he was determined to do it his way whether or not other people agreed with him. Undoubtedly this made it extremely difficult for his family – particularly Veronica – to manage things as he aged and his physical and mental abilities declined.
In the end, it’s easy to see only the crusty old geezer living alone and cursing the world around him. I may get there myself some day. And while some of his views are no longer socially acceptable, with the great benefit of distance from his situation, I remember the determined, thoughtful man who brought his family to Canada and gave them the foundation for a good life here. They got a good start, and more, because of him. As he aged and got more out-of-step with those around him, he was doing what he thought was right for him, in the context of what he had learned in his life experience. I’d prefer to remember him that way.