September 27:
Mothers give sons permission to be a prince but the father must show him how…Fathers give daughters permission to be princesses. And mothers must show them how. Otherwise, both boys and girls will grow up and always see themselves as frogs.
Eric Berne
Relationships with our fathers have been central in shaping our characters. We catch ourselves saying what we heard our fathers say, or doing something that we know they did. Many of us have had pain and resentments in these relationships. We wanted more than they gave us, or we longed for praise but got criticism, or we were never sure we measured up to them.
Some of us can change our relationships with our fathers. We can do it not by asking them to be different, but by being our full adult selves with them. This new experience is the doorway to a new aspect of our selves. Many of us can not change our relationships with our fathers, but being with our sons and daughters in ways that nurture their growth is another chance to redo for ourselves, what we missed.
My fathers importance to me is a fact I must surrender to. I will take what he has given me and grow with it. (1)
_____________________________________________________
My father was in Alcoholics Anonymous for more than 40 years. I deeply regret that I was not more supportive of his recovery, and more aware of the work it required. After some exposure to his program I did understand that members conducted an inventory to determine who they had hurt, and then made amends to those people, unless doing so would cause additional harm.
I had always imagined it as a time when my father spoke of what had happened, why it had happened, and how sorry he was about that, but I don’t recall him ever making a specific statement of amends. It was never a huge issue for me, yet I felt that the impacts of his drinking on my childhood were vaguely unacknowledged.
It took me many years to understand that he was making a “living amends”; he was demonstrating to our family and his friends how he could live his life to try and mitigate the damage he had done. He was calm and reassuring; he was warm and funny; attentive, open and expressive; committed and supportive. He demonstrated how to behave like a man, a parent and a partner.
It could not have been easy for him, and I say that because I know that it’s not easy for any of us to always behave in an exemplary fashion. He started later in life than many, but I thank God that he tried, and that he ultimately showed me how to be more of a prince and less of a frog.
(1) Touchstones; Hazelden Meditations; Hazelden Foundation; 1986