Author: mckillop_vfr@yahoo.ca

July 9: Fun is where you find it.

This is a Laverda. It is an Italian motorcycle, and this particular one is more than 40 years old. It is sitting in the pouring rain at the top of a pass called Le Markstien, not far from Colmar. After this picture was taken, I got on my bike and headed out. The rain intensified and then the fog rolled in, so thick that I could see perhaps 10 metres. It was like that most of the way to the bottom of the pass, and probably the worst conditions I have ever ridden through. And that covers a lot of territory….

On the other hand, this is a picture from the top of Col de le Forclaz. It runs along the east shore of Lac d’Annecy, which you see in the picture. The Col was used by the Tour de France a couple of years back. It ends (or begins, I suppose) in Talloires, which is pretty much in the centre of the picture, where I stayed for the night. I got lost 3 times trying to find the Col, and hit a patch of gravel on the way to the bottom that had me momentarily sideways.  It gave new meaning to the phrase “pucker factor”. As you can see, the lake is not that large – perhaps 10 km long and certainly smaller than Lake Muskoka for instance. But every inch of the shoreline is developed with towns, private homes,  and roads, with only an occasional public park or beach. Little wonder that many Europeans think our northern lakes are “unspoiled wilderness”.

The city in the distance is Grenoble. You can tell from the haze that it is very hot, perhaps 40C. I came down a secondary highway which started out as a really fun ride, but gradually deteriorated as the afternoon wore on. Finally I hit a stretch of 5km of pea gravel on hot asphalt where they were resurfacing the road. Some of my friends enjoy the sensation of sliding a bike round some corners – I do not. And just as I was thinking things couldn’t get much worse, the dogs appeared. Two of them. Full charge toward the side of the bike. Much cursing and a few well-aimed swipes of the boots and I escaped unbitten.

Every day brings some new form of “fun”. If I persevere, I know I will find a comfortable hotel room, perhaps not always as nice as this one looking out on the Rhone in Tain L’Hermitage. There I can have a hot shower and  reflect on the day. The challenge of riding, dealing with the weather, avoiding large dogs… With that comes a satisfaction that is hard to describe. As the old axiom says: “For those who understand, no explanation is needed. For those who don’t, no explanation is possible”. Call it “fun” if you will. It certainly keeps me motivated to see what tomorrow will bring.

July 4: In many ways, Lausanne is like an old friend. I’ve known her for a long time. I was a student here nearly 50 years ago – yes, 50. And I’ve been back several times in the meantime. I’m familiar with her character: She’s dependable and punctual and respectful in an old-world manner, not prone to radical outbursts but willing and able to change with the times.

And indeed she has changed. The Lausanne of 50 years ago was pretty white and pretty middle-class. There are now many more people of colour, most seemingly fitting in well but some – unheard of in years past – begging on the streets. Lausanne is a very wealthy city, and a very expensive place to visit or to live. I have no doubt that the Swiss are well-paid, but I am less certain that everyone is well treated.

I was in Lausanne for my birthday. I celebrated with a great meal and some vino at a restaurant in Place de la Palud, across from the City Hall. I visited the Cathedral and walked through Rue de Bourg where we used to hang out. All interesting in a “been there done that” kind of way. Really, when you think of it, how radically can a centuries-old city change?

And that I think is my conundrum: I take comfort from familiar things and places yet they can become routine – boring even. Old friends provide continuity and perspective on the past and they certainly play an important role in my life. I need to remember though that new friends bring energy and different interpretations to my life.

June 25:  Time to pass along some bits and pieces from the first ten days of my travels:

I feel  very much at home here in France. I came here for the first time almost a half-century ago and thought that France was a poor cousin to Switzerland, where I was attending school. Since then, it’s grown on me to say the least. And while going to a different part of France is hardly a stretch for most travelers, I am quite comfortable with coming back to explore it some more..

Perhaps I am a naïve traveler, or, put differently, I’m lazy. Looking through the Michelin maps for twisty Alsatian roads, I spotted Le Struthof and Mt. Ste. Odile perched together atop a sinuous network of roads west of Strasbourg. They looked like perfect targets for a brisk drive, and held the prospect of fantastic views across the Vosges  mountains. What I did not know, but would have found out with a bit more effort, was that Mt. Ste. Odile is a monastery.  Le Struthof is a former concentration camp where prisoners mined the pink granite so beloved of architects of the Reich, or were subjected to “medical experiments” before being executed. It was jarring to visit both in one morning and be confronted with the pure evil of one, and the loving acceptance of the other. One wonders how they co-existed during the war with such different purpose and yet in such close proximity.

A few days back, my day started with a dash to the bank because the hotel could not accept cards. Despite repeated attempts the Wi Fi would not connect. No big deal, these things happen. The banking issue sorted, I then headed into Alsace, following a route through Heidelberg, Speyer and Landau,  thinking that there would be directional signs to each of these large centres. What signs there were, didn’t really help, and I wound up going around the downtown of each several times before getting directions on to the next town. Then the bike started running like shit, stalling at a traffic light and stumbling badly. When I stopped to see what the problem might be I discovered two things: 1. the battery was not connected. (I don’t mean loose, I mean not at all.) why it was running I have no idea… and 2. While reconnecting the battery, the zipper on my jacket touched the exhaust and, being plastic,  it melted. So that means the jacket has to be rebuilt with a new zipper…

So today I headed into the Black Forest with no expectations and found a lovely little gasthouse in an historic town on a river with a garage for my bike. I am looking forward to a good meal, and a good night’s sleep with the rush of the river outside my window.

June 25: This is a bit odd I suppose, when I should be writing about the wonderful adventures I’m having, but I found the following quote on my laptop, and it seemed particularly relevant to my Mum’s passing, and perhaps to the motivations for my trip. It’s from the book “A Man Called Ove” by Fredrik Backman, Hodder and Stoughton, London, England, 2014.

“Death is a strange thing. People spend their whole lives as if it does not exist, and yet it is often one of the great motivations for living. Some of us, in time, become so conscious of it that we live harder, more obstinately, with more fury. Some need its constant presence to be even aware of its antithesis. Others become so preoccupied with it that they go into the waiting room long before it has announced its arrival. We fear it, yet most of us fear more than anything that it may take someone other than ourselves. For the greatest fear of death is always that it will pass us by. And leave us there alone.

…. And time is a curious thing. Most of us only live for the time that lies right ahead of us. A few days, weeks, years. One of the most painful moments in a person’s life probably comes with the insight that an age has been reached when there is  more to look back on than ahead. And when time no longer lies ahead of one, other things have to be lived for. Memories, perhaps. Afternoons in the sun with someone’s hand clutched in one’s own. The fragrance of flowerbeds in fresh bloom. Sundays in a café. Grandchildren, perhaps. One finds a way of living for the sake of someone else’s future. ….. “

June 15: After a difficult and emotional month, my sister Nancy and I are both focussed on travelling. She and her family are off for a “family vacation” on PEI, and I am off for 2 months to Europe on a motorcycle. Given the list of things I needed to accomplish during the month, there have been many times when I felt like Wylie Coyote chasing the Road Runner, only to find himself hanging in mid-air having run off a cliff, legs pumping furiously before realizing there is no ground beneath him, falling further and further down before landing with a faint “puff” at the bottom of a canyon.

Now comes the opportunity to shift gears – figuratively and literally. I am trying hard to remember the times when, as a child, summer was full of the infinite promise of days to be spent just having fun. There were always new adventures just around the corner and I need to re-learn the child-like ability of “just letting it happen” and enjoying the ride. So for the next while I hope the focus will be on “little David”; being present in the moment enjoying whatever it brings, rather than chasing some elusive, never-to-be-caught dream off a very tall cliff.

June 11: I recently saw this little machine on The Kneeslider site and it made me smile. There’s something so evocative, so  – dare I say –  cute, that it made me happy just to see it.

Perhaps it’s not so much what it is, but what it represents that raises emotion. To be clear: this is not a remanufactured lawn mower. This is a one-off, hand-made objet d’art. The deck is made from an old barbeque, and the motor is from a snowmobile. The faired wheels and taillights were all created by the builder. Even the paint colour captures that 50’s vibe perfectly.

I understand that this is not David by Michelangelo. It’s not high art, but I admire the artist’s ability to conceptualize beauty in the most mundane of machines, and then to have the technical ability to create something special.  And maybe that’s what made me smile: thinking about the gift of creativity we unleash when we draw, or sing, or dance, or write. I hope you see something that makes you smile today. We can all use a little of that ….

June 4: Mum passed away on May 25, an event that was certainly sad, but not entirely unexpected. As I have written elsewhere, she was 94 years old, and the last of her generation. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and had aortic stenosis and an irregular heartbeat that required a pacemaker. After 13 days of struggle in Sunnybrook, her death was in many ways a release and a reprieve from further pain and the deterioration these afflictions would eventually deliver.

Passing time in the hospital was marked by a range of emotions. Initially there was fear and concern as she was being treated in the ER, her condition unclear and her future uncertain. Then a degree of relief as we knew what we were dealing with, shortly followed by disappointment that she was not getting better and progressing toward recovery. During this time she steadfastly resisted treatments by repeatedly removing her oxygen cannula and by trying to yank out her IV drip. It was hard not to be angry and frustrated with her for fighting things that would clearly help her.  Ultimately, the Doctors tried a nasal-gastric tube to deliver needed nourishment, and she removed it twice while wearing personal restraints, even before the Doctors could determine that it was correctly positioned.

My sister and I both interpreted that as a sign that we could do no more. So finally there was acceptance that we had done what we could, and that the time had come to let her go. In the end, her passing was peaceful and she slipped away around 8:45 on a rainy evening.

At her visitation, so many people shared similar stories of loved ones who battled dementias and other chronic conditions that it’s almost impossible not to think of this as an epidemic sweeping through an aging demographic. My cohort is next, and it’s hard not to contemplate my own end and what that might be like. I have a running joke with Marisa and others that I will die in a “flaming motorcycle wreck in the south of France”, which is nothing more than code for a fervent hope that I will die quickly and peacefully rather than lingering with a debilitating illness.

Whatever it is to be, I’ve learned lessons from Mum’s passing. My sadness is balanced with the peace that comes from knowing that her struggle is over and that I can be in a happier and more peaceful place, remembering her for the wonderful Mum she always was.

May 1: My Dad was an Accountant with many of the clichéd characteristics attributed to that profession.  He was conservative in his life and cautious with his money and well aware of risk, in all its’ forms. Still, there were times when I could tell that he knew that it was appropriate – perhaps even important –  to spend more than he might normally on something that was a special or riskier opportunity. At times like these, he would often say “Why not ?” in a particular way, always with the “why” part about an octave higher than the “not”. It was obviously a rhetorical question.

For most of my life, like Father like Son, my reflexive response to new or unusual opportunities has been negative, especially if it involved what I considered to be frivolous or unwarranted expense. Even when I fell out of character and bought the BMW and Alfa Romeo convertibles, or the Moto Guzzi, they were sold when they felt like frivolous extravagances that I could no longer justify. The proceeds were usually used to pay down debt.

While this was clearly a product of the way I was raised, by a man I loved dearly and respected beyond words, there were times when I felt I was denying myself useful things and meaningful experiences for no particular reason other than “I don’t do that sort of thing”. My descent into mindless self-centred navel-gazing around my forthcoming trip has brought many of those situations to light.

Booking a hotel in a waterfront hotel in Lausanne for the night of my birthday, I’m offered a room with a view of the City, or a room with a view of the lake and the French Alps. Of course, the room with the spectacular view is 10 Euro more expensive, and I would usually opt for the view of the parking lot, knowing that I could put the 10 Euro toward the meal or gas for the bike. But now I frequently hear Dad in the background: “Why not ?” Why would I deliberately choose a hotel on the lake, and not want the view ? What do I gain by saying no and having a less memorable experience ? What am I waiting for ?

So more often than ever before, I am trying to make my reflexive answer “Yes. Why not ? Let’s do that.”  It doesn’t only apply to big, extravagant decisions involving cars or money; often the small decisions are as important. Many of my most memorable moments on the last trip happened because I simply decided to stop and look at something I thought might be interesting. Mostly, I was right. It’s an attitude I’ve tried to ingrain in my approach to new opportunities, even though I am the last in a long line of book-keepers.

April 28: The Saucer Magnolia at the end of the street is in magnificent bloom, so I’m saying that Spring has officially arrived. This is fully 10 days earlier than last year, which surprises me a bit, given the relatively poor and changeable weather we have endured. Whatever the case, I say it’s time to commence wearing shorts and drinking rosé.

April 26: My Sister and I are dealing with an issue that confronts many of our generation: What to do about Mum ? Is it time to move her from “independent living” to a place where care is provided ? It’s stressful and emotional for us; this is our Mother and we want the best for her, yet we know that she will resist moving because she believes that she can still care for herself. However, her mental state is not good, and she has had several falls ( with no apparent lasting effects so far ). It feels a bit like we are delaying taking that next step until events clearly show us what we already know we must do.

This situation has caused me to reflect on the probability that I too stand a good chance of being placed somewhere I may not wish to be.

I believe that I lead a relatively independent life. In particular, the last few years have allowed me the freedom to live as I wish and do things as my schedule and finances allowed. It’s a privileged life and I’m fortunate to have the forbearance of many people to make it possible. Still, my age and my involvement in risk-taking activity ( motorcycling ) makes me a good candidate for assisted living, possibly in the not too distant future. As my Father said: “These things await you…”

My recent experience at the Shouldice Hospital ( see following post ) opened a brief window on what that future might hold. The simple fact that large numbers of people need to be fed, bathed, medicated and entertained means that life becomes much more regimented. Meals at specific times, events on a schedule. Many facilities that I might be able to afford only offer semi-private rooms so sharing space and events with someone else is a fact of life. At Shouldice, medical visits were a daily routine and we joked that we would automatically drop our pants when a Nurse came into the room. While that’s a bit extreme, more intrusive care can be a part of your daily life. With diminished ability there is also loss of mobility. Your world becomes progressively smaller and you are forced to rely on others to get around.

“So what ?” I hear you say. “Get over yourself.” And you would likely be correct. Many of my generation have led a self-centred (“independent”) life, believing that we are entitled to do what we want as we please. Contemplating a time and place when that is no longer possible is frightening. It’s hard to conceive that such a life could be acceptable when we’ve had things our own way for so long.

And so perhaps the decisions around Mum’s situation reflect a dilemma I face myself: It’s OK for her to go there, but would it be OK for me ? Her reactions and my own are probably pretty much the same. Something to have in mind as we face those decisions in the not-so-distant future.