October 5: Kate likens my personality to that of a Border Collie: always alert to new threats, calculating appropriate responses, herding people and events toward some desirable outcome. I accept that comparison and certainly recognize the behaviours that have developed in me with years of practice.
When I was working, Border Collie instincts could be helpful. Our team was very busy and those instincts had me on guard for errors or misjudgments that would be costly in time and effort. I was managing the team and herding people toward desirable outcomes, agenda deadlines and better performance. Having Border Collie instincts helped me to sort the big problems from the small, and to deal appropriately with those that needed my immediate attention. When your hair is on fire, you look for a bucket of water.
With retirement, and now the (impending second-wave) COVID lockdown, I’m faced with less to do, less to manage. While you might think that would be a blessing, in fact, it is not. I’m finding that with fewer issues to assess, my Border Collie instinct seizes on any problem as a matter of significant importance that requires a full assessment and a structured plan. I was awake until 2 AM last night as my brain tumbled through what might go wrong this week as I move into my new apartment. That happens in 4 days, so there’s no immediate need for concern, yet I react as if certain doom is right around the corner.
I understand why I might behave in this way. My childhood, and later adult years were marked by alcoholism. Growing up and then living with this uncertain environment meant that I had to be ready for anything; I needed a plan. I learned to be a Border Collie to protect myself.
With COVID closing in again, it has begun to feel like every event is somehow significant and warranting a plan of action. You can’t just go to the grocery store now; there’s a procedure that has to be in place. Things need to be done to protect yourself and others. Routine matters now have greater potential to be a threat that requires attention.
In and of itself, that is understandable and appropriate. This is something that we need to do if we are to survive as individuals and as a society. But I am not sure that many people acknowledge the potential impact that this level of stress and preparedness can have. One of the hidden and insidious dangers of COVID is its’ impact on the physical and mental health of old dogs like me.