April 26: My Sister and I are dealing with an issue that confronts many of our generation: What to do about Mum ? Is it time to move her from “independent living” to a place where care is provided ? It’s stressful and emotional for us; this is our Mother and we want the best for her, yet we know that she will resist moving because she believes that she can still care for herself. However, her mental state is not good, and she has had several falls ( with no apparent lasting effects so far ). It feels a bit like we are delaying taking that next step until events clearly show us what we already know we must do.
This situation has caused me to reflect on the probability that I too stand a good chance of being placed somewhere I may not wish to be.
I believe that I lead a relatively independent life. In particular, the last few years have allowed me the freedom to live as I wish and do things as my schedule and finances allowed. It’s a privileged life and I’m fortunate to have the forbearance of many people to make it possible. Still, my age and my involvement in risk-taking activity ( motorcycling ) makes me a good candidate for assisted living, possibly in the not too distant future. As my Father said: “These things await you…”
My recent experience at the Shouldice Hospital ( see following post ) opened a brief window on what that future might hold. The simple fact that large numbers of people need to be fed, bathed, medicated and entertained means that life becomes much more regimented. Meals at specific times, events on a schedule. Many facilities that I might be able to afford only offer semi-private rooms so sharing space and events with someone else is a fact of life. At Shouldice, medical visits were a daily routine and we joked that we would automatically drop our pants when a Nurse came into the room. While that’s a bit extreme, more intrusive care can be a part of your daily life. With diminished ability there is also loss of mobility. Your world becomes progressively smaller and you are forced to rely on others to get around.
“So what ?” I hear you say. “Get over yourself.” And you would likely be correct. Many of my generation have led a self-centred (“independent”) life, believing that we are entitled to do what we want as we please. Contemplating a time and place when that is no longer possible is frightening. It’s hard to conceive that such a life could be acceptable when we’ve had things our own way for so long.
And so perhaps the decisions around Mum’s situation reflect a dilemma I face myself: It’s OK for her to go there, but would it be OK for me ? Her reactions and my own are probably pretty much the same. Something to have in mind as we face those decisions in the not-so-distant future.