June 11: I recently saw this little machine on The Kneeslider site and it made me smile. There’s something so evocative, so – dare I say – cute, that it made me happy just to see it.
Perhaps it’s not so much what it is, but what it represents that raises emotion. To be clear: this is not a remanufactured lawn mower. This is a one-off, hand-made objet d’art. The deck is made from an old barbeque, and the motor is from a snowmobile. The faired wheels and taillights were all created by the builder. Even the paint colour captures that 50’s vibe perfectly.
I understand that this is not David by Michelangelo. It’s not high art, but I admire the artist’s ability to conceptualize beauty in the most mundane of machines, and then to have the technical ability to create something special. And maybe that’s what made me smile: thinking about the gift of creativity we unleash when we draw, or sing, or dance, or write. I hope you see something that makes you smile today. We can all use a little of that ….
June 4: Mum passed away on May 25, an event that was certainly sad, but not entirely unexpected. As I have written elsewhere, she was 94 years old, and the last of her generation. She had been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and had aortic stenosis and an irregular heartbeat that required a pacemaker. After 13 days of struggle in Sunnybrook, her death was in many ways a release and a reprieve from further pain and the deterioration these afflictions would eventually deliver.
Passing time in the hospital was marked by a range of emotions. Initially there was fear and concern as she was being treated in the ER, her condition unclear and her future uncertain. Then a degree of relief as we knew what we were dealing with, shortly followed by disappointment that she was not getting better and progressing toward recovery. During this time she steadfastly resisted treatments by repeatedly removing her oxygen cannula and by trying to yank out her IV drip. It was hard not to be angry and frustrated with her for fighting things that would clearly help her. Ultimately, the Doctors tried a nasal-gastric tube to deliver needed nourishment, and she removed it twice while wearing personal restraints, even before the Doctors could determine that it was correctly positioned.
My sister and I both interpreted that as a sign that we could do no more. So finally there was acceptance that we had done what we could, and that the time had come to let her go. In the end, her passing was peaceful and she slipped away around 8:45 on a rainy evening.
At her visitation, so many people shared similar stories of loved ones who battled dementias and other chronic conditions that it’s almost impossible not to think of this as an epidemic sweeping through an aging demographic. My cohort is next, and it’s hard not to contemplate my own end and what that might be like. I have a running joke with Marisa and others that I will die in a “flaming motorcycle wreck in the south of France”, which is nothing more than code for a fervent hope that I will die quickly and peacefully rather than lingering with a debilitating illness.
Whatever it is to be, I’ve learned lessons from Mum’s passing. My sadness is balanced with the peace that comes from knowing that her struggle is over and that I can be in a happier and more peaceful place, remembering her for the wonderful Mum she always was.
When I come to the end of the road, and the sun has set for me. I want no rites in a gloom-filled room. Why cry for a soul set free? Miss me a little – but not too long, And not with your head bowed low. Remember the love that was once shared. Miss me, but let me go. For this journey we all must take, and each must go alone. It’s all part of the master’s plan, a step on the road to home. When you are lonely and sick of heart, go to the friends we know. Bear your sorrow in good deeds. Miss me, but let me go.
May 1: My Dad was an Accountant with many of the clichéd characteristics attributed to that profession. He was conservative in his life and cautious with his money and well aware of risk, in all its’ forms. Still, there were times when I could tell that he knew that it was appropriate – perhaps even important – to spend more than he might normally on something that was a special or riskier opportunity. At times like these, he would often say “Why not ?” in a particular way, always with the “why” part about an octave higher than the “not”. It was obviously a rhetorical question.
For most of my life, like Father like Son, my reflexive response to new or unusual opportunities has been negative, especially if it involved what I considered to be frivolous or unwarranted expense. Even when I fell out of character and bought the BMW and Alfa Romeo convertibles, or the Moto Guzzi, they were sold when they felt like frivolous extravagances that I could no longer justify. The proceeds were usually used to pay down debt.
While this was clearly a product of the way I was raised, by a man I loved dearly and respected beyond words, there were times when I felt I was denying myself useful things and meaningful experiences for no particular reason other than “I don’t do that sort of thing”. My descent into mindless self-centred navel-gazing around my forthcoming trip has brought many of those situations to light.
Booking a hotel in a waterfront hotel in Lausanne for the night of my birthday, I’m offered a room with a view of the City, or a room with a view of the lake and the French Alps. Of course, the room with the spectacular view is 10 Euro more expensive, and I would usually opt for the view of the parking lot, knowing that I could put the 10 Euro toward the meal or gas for the bike. But now I frequently hear Dad in the background: “Why not ?” Why would I deliberately choose a hotel on the lake, and not want the view ? What do I gain by saying no and having a less memorable experience ? What am I waiting for ?
So more often than ever before, I am trying to make my reflexive answer “Yes. Why not ? Let’s do that.” It doesn’t only apply to big, extravagant decisions involving cars or money; often the small decisions are as important. Many of my most memorable moments on the last trip happened because I simply decided to stop and look at something I thought might be interesting. Mostly, I was right. It’s an attitude I’ve tried to ingrain in my approach to new opportunities, even though I am the last in a long line of book-keepers.
April 28: The Saucer Magnolia at the end of the street is in magnificent bloom, so I’m saying that Spring has officially arrived. This is fully 10 days earlier than last year, which surprises me a bit, given the relatively poor and changeable weather we have endured. Whatever the case, I say it’s time to commence wearing shorts and drinking rosé.
April 26: My Sister and I are dealing with an issue that confronts many of our generation: What to do about Mum ? Is it time to move her from “independent living” to a place where care is provided ? It’s stressful and emotional for us; this is our Mother and we want the best for her, yet we know that she will resist moving because she believes that she can still care for herself. However, her mental state is not good, and she has had several falls ( with no apparent lasting effects so far ). It feels a bit like we are delaying taking that next step until events clearly show us what we already know we must do.
This situation has caused me to reflect on the probability that I too stand a good chance of being placed somewhere I may not wish to be.
I believe that I lead a relatively independent life. In particular, the last few years have allowed me the freedom to live as I wish and do things as my schedule and finances allowed. It’s a privileged life and I’m fortunate to have the forbearance of many people to make it possible. Still, my age and my involvement in risk-taking activity ( motorcycling ) makes me a good candidate for assisted living, possibly in the not too distant future. As my Father said: “These things await you…”
Escaping the Home ….
My recent experience at the Shouldice Hospital ( see following post ) opened a brief window on what that future might hold. The simple fact that large numbers of people need to be fed, bathed, medicated and entertained means that life becomes much more regimented. Meals at specific times, events on a schedule. Many facilities that I might be able to afford only offer semi-private rooms so sharing space and events with someone else is a fact of life. At Shouldice, medical visits were a daily routine and we joked that we would automatically drop our pants when a Nurse came into the room. While that’s a bit extreme, more intrusive care can be a part of your daily life. With diminished ability there is also loss of mobility. Your world becomes progressively smaller and you are forced to rely on others to get around.
“So what ?” I hear you say. “Get over yourself.” And you would likely be correct. Many of my generation have led a self-centred (“independent”) life, believing that we are entitled to do what we want as we please. Contemplating a time and place when that is no longer possible is frightening. It’s hard to conceive that such a life could be acceptable when we’ve had things our own way for so long.
And so perhaps the decisions around Mum’s situation reflect a dilemma I face myself: It’s OK for her to go there, but would it be OK for me ? Her reactions and my own are probably pretty much the same. Something to have in mind as we face those decisions in the not-so-distant future.
April 17: I’ve spent a significant part of the last week at the Shouldice Hospital having a hernia repaired. A hernia occurs when tissue (often intestines) protrude through a tear in the abdominal muscles. This usually happens in or near the groin area. Aside from the fun of giving your internal organs a brief bay-window view of the world, hernias can become dangerous if the protruding organs become twisted and starved of blood. Since the thought of that happening somewhere high in the French Alps was too horrible to contemplate, I knew my hernia had to be fixed.
National Post
The Shouldice Hospital is the world leader in hernia repair. Says so right in their promotional material. I show up at their clinic, and after a lengthy questionnaire on my health history, and blood and cardio tests, I find a strange man fondling my bollocks and asking me to cough. Hernia confirmed – you did see that egg-shaped lump in my groin didn’t you ? – I’m offered an operation date 2 weeks later. (This is due to a cancellation and a huge bonus as the usual wait is 6 to 8 weeks.)
At this point, possible complications are explained. My personal favourite is the 1% chance that your testicle will become extremely enlarged and very painful. This may last for more than a month when it will diminish to its’ normal size, or it may disappear entirely. I’m left wondering whether it’s better to have a nut resembling a pomegranate, or no nut at all.
On arrival, there is the same questionnaire, more tests, and a different man fondling my wedding vegetables before I’m assigned a bed. While the Eeyore in me had expected a farting, snoring, lice-infested axe-murderer as a roomy, my bunk-mate was none of those things. We got along well and shared much gallows humour over our on-going treatment and recovery.
On the morning of the operation, a briskly efficient nurse arrives to shave my nether regions – try having a friendly non-committal chat while that’s going on – and then I’m walked down to the pre-op area. I’m then given a sedative that apparently does nothing at all. In time, the surgeon appears and I’m frog-marched into the OR. I remember a brief chat with the anaesthesiologist about the freezing temperature of the room – bacteria don’t thrive in cooler temperatures – as she fitted the IV to my arm.
“When I woke up” I was back in the room. Standard procedure is to get off the operating table and into a wheelchair for the return journey, yet I (and most of the other patients) remember none of it. After a 4 hour nap and a further fondling of your googlies, the process of getting out of bed and recovery begins.
You might be tempted to think that the rippling six-pack you call your abdominal muscles are simply there to enclose your stomach. You would be wrong. The slightest movement like rolling over or sitting up triggers a searing pain that extends from pubic bone to rib cage. It feels very much like all of the sutures are being ripped out every time you move. In itself, this is hard to imagine since the sutures are stainless steel “staples” (for lack of a better word). There are about 15 of them holding the 12 cm incision together in a raised ridge down the left side of my body. As well, there’s a massive area of bruising that extends from my hip bone right through to Stevie and the twins. They must have been using tire irons during surgery to do that amount of damage…
After 3 days of recovery, getting slightly less tender and more mobile each day, we are allowed to escape. I’m still doing the Shouldice Shuffle, and getting out of chairs and rolling over in bed is still a bit of a production. I’m told that, in a month, everything will be back to normal. I’m looking forward to that time and hope that this whole experience will truly be one of “short-term pain for long-term gain”.
April 11: Not to jump the gun here, but it is starting to look like Spring is showing its’ face. It may not be a happy face all the time, but there are signs that she’s at least making the effort. The weather continues to be changeable; yesterday’s early sunshine and warmth gave way to a brief and fierce thunderstorm. Unfortunately, I was enjoying the first “serious” ride on my brand new and freshly-waxed motorcycle at that precise time and I was thoroughly drenched. At least I confirmed that my new riding jacket is waterproof…
The crack-heads are back in the courtyard grinding mortar and working on tuck-pointing the bricks. They’ve been at it a couple of days now. A generator has fired up again at the house they are building across the street. It only seems to run from 8 AM to 5 PM on sunny days, so it’s not like it’s bothersome all the time. And yesterday the City announced its’ Summer road construction schedule. Cue jokes about the two seasons of “Winter” and “Construction”. Terribly droll.
But there are other signs which are more positive. A robin has been singing every morning for the last week or so, frequently joined by the cardinals and the hawks nesting at the end of the street. And the blossoms are starting to emerge from hiding. This place is in south Rosedale. The whole front lawn is covered from one end to the other with blue scillas. It’s pretty impressive now, and will be more so in a week or two when the Saucer Magnolia and Forsythia join the display.
Finally, I would just mention in passing that the LCBO is now stocking some of its’ allocation of rose wine. In my local store there is now a heart-warming section fully devoted to lovely pink wine. Patio days can’t be that far off. It’s enough to make you want to come out of your Winter hiding place and join the fun ….
April 7: Yesterday afternoon I began organizing travel arrangements for my trip to Europe this summer. I’m going back to revisit some of the highlights I saw in 2015, and to explore new adventures.
The trip in 2015 seemed like the realization of aspirations I had held for a very long time. My previous trip to France was in 2003 – 12 years earlier – and it seemed aeons in the past. I characterized the 2015 trip as a “reward” for reaching the ripe old age of 65 and beginning my retirement years. I had thought about it for so long, and imagined how spectacular it might be, that I felt entitled to go. Somehow I had waited long enough and “deserved” it.
This year the trip feels a little self-absorbed. I’m very aware of the issues I’m leaving behind. My Mum has early Alzheimer’s and her condition can only get worse. At 94 years of age, any number of medical issues could arise without warning and I’m effectively leaving my sister Nancy to sort it all out. She is a Nurse and a real rock in my life, so I have absolute confidence in her ability to deal with whatever might happen, but it feels like I am abdicating my responsibility to her and my Mother for an extended time.
My daughter Marisa is expecting a son in early August, just before my intended return date. I was away in 2015 until just before she had the girls. My feeling is that there is not much I can do to help her, beyond figurative hand-holding and being present (which, of course, I won’t be…). She is practical and strong-willed and confident, so she too will deal with whatever happens, but I feel that it is somehow inappropriate for me to be away as this wonderful event in her life unfolds.
I’m also aware of the potential of messing up in Europe and becoming a problem for others to solve, and given that I am spending almost 2 months on a motorcycle, some would assert that the likelihood of that happening is higher than average. Still, I feel confident in my ability to ride safely, and I’m comfortable with the risks that the trip involves. As Tazio Nuvolari is reputed to have said: “Thousands of people die in their sleep, but it doesn’t stop me from going to bed.”
Ultimately I suppose this is nothing more than a self-absorbed rationalization for doing something that I want to do, at a time when I want to do it. If not now, when? I’m not getting any younger, and given my family history with Alzheimer’s, I may not have long. Whatever the case, it’s absolutely a “first world problem” of the highest order. A problem that I am fortunate to confront.
March 20: For the last 16 years I have been riding a Honda VFR Interceptor. From the moment I saw it in a magazine those many years ago I knew I wanted one, and I did finally buy her from the late, not-lamented Cycle World on Dundas Street West. On my very first ride home I thought I had made a mistake because she felt tall and top-heavy, but in time I adapted and we had many happy years together.
In Pennsylvania
In a little more than 103,000 km we have been on any road worth riding in southern Ontario; we have been to Maine at least 3 times; we have ridden the Cabot Trail after visiting Halifax; and we have been to Pennsylvania, New York and Ohio several times. About the only “bucket list” item remaining for her would be the Tail of the Dragon in North Carolina. I have many happy memories of our adventures together.
But now there is this: a 2014 Honda VFR Interceptor. Although there have been several model changes at Honda over the intervening 17 years, it’s very close to being the same bike. I’ve not ridden her yet – when will the snow stop ? – but an initial impression is that she’s lower and carries weight lower in the frame. Time will tell.
My plan (for now at least) is to ship her to Frankfurt and then to spend 2 months travelling Europe. If I can, I would like to leave her there for the following year. Options for the trip are just starting to take shape, and I am beyond excited about the prospects for this summer. I found so many places in 2015 I want to explore this time around. It will be a huge bonus to travel with a new bike and have her along for all those new adventures. Yet it is a bit disappointing not to be taking the old bike because we have done so much, and have gone so many miles together, that this trip would be like the “last hurrah” for us both. Still, I’ll keep her for another couple of years, and she will be patiently waiting when I come home. We are not done yet and perhaps we will even make it to the Dragon one day.
March 8: Today is my Mother’s birthday. Born in 1923, she turns 94 today. She has outlived all of her siblings and all of her High School friends save one. She is literally the “last one standing”.
She was the eldest daughter in a family with 5 kids. They were raised on Roxborough Street East and must have enjoyed a life with a certain amount of privilege. Unlike her younger sisters, she finished High School and had no inclination to go further with her education. Instead, as mentioned in the previous post, she opted for enlisting in the RCAF as a way to assert her independence. After training she was assigned to a unit that tracked aircraft off the east coast and served some time in Newfoundland. At that point, it had not yet joined Canada, so she was awarded the “Foreign Service Medal”. She is very proud of that, if slightly amused.
After the war she returned home and was married in 1946. She told me once that she knew she was going to marry Dad when he turned around and winked at her in Grade 9. They spent 66 years together.
She was a stay-at-home wife and mother. She was very proud to call herself a “housewife”, especially in later years when that was not fashionable. But there were years when it could not have been easy. When Dad was drinking, she struggled to get him sober and to shield Nancy and I from his behaviour. Whether that was the right thing to do can be debated; she did what she thought was the right thing at the time. Ultimately, Dad did get sober and they enjoyed more than 30 years of apparent happiness before the sad betrayal of his Alzheimer’s diagnosis.
She struggled mightily with that for more than 4 years before he moved to Sunnybrook. The fact that she did so – in her late 80’s – is a sign of a central characteristic of her personality. She can be incredibly determined. Put less charitably: she can be irrationally stubborn. While it’s very possible that we need to be stubborn to survive as long as she has, there were times when Nancy and I were young when her insistence that something happen in a certain way clearly made no sense. Circumstances had changed and I was often unsure of why she was insisting, yet arguing would not change her mind.
Sadly, she now has early stage Alzheimer’s disease. She has become unfamiliar with the building where she has lived for almost 10 years and continues to go for walks on Mt. Pleasant “to explore the neighbourhood”. While I admire her determination / stubbornness to continue to be active, she has physical limitations and her wandering has become unsafe. Polite suggestions that she stop, or at least use a walker have yielded outright refusal.
Reflecting on what is to come brings very mixed emotions. We have seen the progression of the disease before and it is a slow-motion agony for everyone involved. She remains very determined to continue living her own life and I truly admire her for that. Ultimately, of course, Nancy and I will have to make decisions to force her to do things she does not wish to do. And perhaps this is a lesson we learned from her: you make the best decision that you can make in the circumstances, and then you follow through. Something she has been doing since 1923….
Perhaps it’s not so much what it is, but what it represents that raises emotion. To be clear: this is not a remanufactured lawn mower. This is a one-off, hand-made objet d’art. The deck is made from an old barbeque, and the motor is from a snowmobile. The faired wheels and taillights were all created by the builder. Even the paint colour captures that 50’s vibe perfectly.
